A
Ministers Request:
Submitted by Linda ONele
A minister was preoccupied with
how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than
expected for repairs to the church. Thus he was annoyed to find the regular
organist sick and a substitute brought in at the last minute. The substitute
asked what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service,"
he said. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister
paused and said, "Friends, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs
cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you
who will pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist
played, The Star-Spangled Banner.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
On Love:
Submitted by Linda ONele
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always
will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never
yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your
living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,
takes your money and never appears to have noticed that you actually set
it free in the first place, you are either: dating it, married to it or
gave birth to it!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Computers
Are Down:
Submitted by Linda ONele
Two priests died at the same time
and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get
you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth
for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest say, "I've always
wanted to be an eagle."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and
off flies the first priest.
The second mulls this over for a
momoent and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter?"
"No," St. Peter says. "There's no
way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freeie."
"In that case," says the second
priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and
the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is
fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you
have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy,"
says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove more difficult."
"Why?" ask the Lord.
Because he's on a snow tire somewhere
in Alaska." (TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Mechanics
Tool Guide:
Submitted by Dave Singer
HAMMER: Originally employed as a
weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and
slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle
jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used
for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders
just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting
tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost
entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to
get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for
working on older British cars motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last
15 minutes.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old
bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering
a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk
brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood
splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor
to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically
useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known
drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument
for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake
lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy
tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of
your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,
just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own
tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin
D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles
at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used
to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on
your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes
energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in
Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple
the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order
to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut
hoses 1/2 inch too short.
SPANNER WRENCH: a bedeviling wrench
that causes you to improvise with a pair of Craftsman needle-nose (see
NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS) freeing you up to waste several hours attempting to
get the Spanner nut off but breaking the needle-nose and causing you to
drive 3 times to 3 different Sears stores to replace them. You forget to
buy a Spanner Wrench while you're there each time.
SNAP RING PLIERS: see SPANNER WRENCH.
Causes all above the same effects with the addition of finally getting
the ring off, but at 450 mph straight into left eye.
NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS: see SPANNER
WRENCH and SNAP RING PLIERS. Useful for breaking while attempting to remove
spanner nuts and snap rings.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Reformed
Parrot:
Submitted by Dave Singer
David received a parrot for his
birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives where,
to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude
and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and doing anything
he could think of to try to set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the
bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angrier
and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking and kicking and screeming. Then suddenly, there was silence.
David was frightened he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened
the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm
and said: "I'm so sorry if I offended you with my language and actions.
I ask your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior.
David was astounded at the birds
change in attitude and was just about to ask what had make such a drastic
change, when the parrot said: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Interesting
Facts About Men:
Submitted by Chuck Sidelinger or
HIS WIFE PATTY! I am not sure!
Men like to barbecue. - Men will
cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better
prepared for marriage. - They've experienced pain and have bought jewelry.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically
responsible. - In a world where there are more women than men, it pays
to recycle.
Men are very confident people. -
My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he
thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in
trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really
in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Men like phones with lots of buttons.
- It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read
the newspaper in the morning. - Not being the first is upsetting to their
psyches.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.
- I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at
the dry cleaner. - These men usually have jobs and bathe.
All men hate to hear " We need to
talk about our relationship." - These seven words strike fear into the
heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways.
- If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take
it personally.
Men have an easier time buying bathing
suits. - Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have
two types: nerdy and nerdy
Men have higher body temperatures
than women. - If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping
next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously
than men. - I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed Get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black
tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. - That's
why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from
the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you
and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, - He is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think
might be "Mr. Right" because he got older, got a new job, or visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. - The cocoon-to-butterfly
theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
No man is charming all the time.
- Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together,
they talk about sports. - When four or more women get together, they talk
about men.
Men are less sentimental than women.
- No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am
I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" - Most men are outrospective:
"Did my team win? How's my car?" If a man says, "I'll call you," and he
doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die.
He just didn't want to call you.
Getting rid of a man without hurting
his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge. - If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest
saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your Children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men are self-confident because they
grow up identifying with super heroes. - Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Male menopause is a lot more fun
than female menopause. - With female menopause you gain weight and get
hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; - women remember
everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what's happened.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
How
to give your cat a pill!!!!! #2:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in
the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right finger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and
cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and
throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap,
cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish
bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail,
get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set
to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and
get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill
not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's
shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage
and put door > back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records
for date of last tetanus jab. throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve
cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear
paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call a furniture shop on the
way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect
cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The
Football Test:
A football coach walked into the
locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm
not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in
there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get
it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his
eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment
and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed,
excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on
the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Gone
Ice Fishing:
There were two good ol' blond boys
from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake
was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little
bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need
an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours,
one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen
ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions,
but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an
hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any
longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well a'tall," he said.
"We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Anagrams:
Work Them For Yourself!
An Anagram, as you all know, is
a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another
word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there
either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
1) Dormitory - Dirty
Room
2) Evangelist - Evil's
Agent
3) Desperation - A
Rope Ends It
4) The Morse Code -
Here Come Dots
5) Slot Machines -
Cash Lost in 'em
6) Animosity - Is No
Amity
7) Mother-in-law -
Woman Hitler
8) Snooze Alarms -
Alas! No More Z's
9) Alec Guinness -
Genuine Class
10) Semolina - Is No Meal
11) The Public Art Galleries -
Large Picture Halls, I Bet
12) A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot
in Place
13) The Earthquakes - That Queer
Shake
14) Eleven plus two - Twelve plus
one
15) Contradiction - Accord not
in it
16) This one's truly amazing: To
be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
- And the Anagram: "In one of the
Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on
two fronts about how life turns rotten."
17) And for the grand finale: "That's
one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -Neil Armstrong
- The Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins
flag on moon! On to Mars!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Can Of
Peas:
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette
after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each
other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went
out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and
dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied
her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A
matter of prespective:
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian
are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm,"
muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees.
"They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian
points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this
is paradise. They are Russian."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
LIFE
FROM A WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE:
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized
it yet.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced
the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made
the dinner".
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate
covered peanuts.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate
again. See also "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space...if he goes in,
he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand
and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere romantic". After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also
"tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner,
diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim,
but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end
up doing it yourself anyway.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Anti-trust
(New Hearings):
After the recent Anti-trust hearings,
Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market.
He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant
will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on
them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We
might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi,
I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big
Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a
Coke!
Cashier: You don't; the Coke is
free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49
last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest
Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple
across the street... I'm not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the
burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the
$3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can't do that.
They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two
totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big
Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the
consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes.
This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
Joe: Aaarrgh!
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Spell
this Word!:
A woman died and found herself standing
outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh,
is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really
make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes,
my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing
before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and
asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter.
"It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then
the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on
her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would
mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the
bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone
comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the
woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as
she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in
St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her,
when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is
her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why
are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a
moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an
accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which
the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?"
he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
IF
ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!:
1) If you messed up
your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
2) To get your daily
exercise, just click on "run"!
3) If you needed a
break from life, click on suspend.
4) Hit "any key" to
continue life when ready.
5) To get even with
the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
6) To add/remove someone
in your life, click settings and control panel.
7) To improve your
appearance, just adjust the display settings.
8) If life gets too
noisy, turn off the speakers.
9) When you loose your
car keys, click on find.
10) "Help" with the chores is just
a click away.
11) Auto insurance wouldn't be
necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
12) And, we could click on "SEND
NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
On
the Sixth Day:
On the sixth day God turned to the
angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic
mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes
bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs
overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked
with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the
land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these
inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the friendliest people on
the Earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't
you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just
wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
U-turn:
A driver pulled up beside a rundown
farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered
the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled
away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the
woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a
U-turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman
said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Guardian
Angel:
A man was walking in the street
when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a
brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick
fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after
awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you
will die."
The man did as he was instructed,
just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked.
"Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the
voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where
were you when I got married?"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Communication:
A judge was interviewing a woman
regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and
a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running
by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the
foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and
mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are
your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living
here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car
carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there
any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have
stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat
you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice
a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge
asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she
replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He
said he can't communicate with me.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Substitutes:
The Pope met with his cardinals
to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your
Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge
you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared
by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea,
but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal
to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal
replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an
American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal,
then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative.
In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus
was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported
to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news
and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal
Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like
to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf
in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.
I must have been inspired from above.
My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and
my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes,"
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi
Tiger Woods by three strokes."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Alligator
Shoes:
A young blonde was on vacation in
the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in
the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means,
be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and
headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper
is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the
water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with
a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby
were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
10
Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Submitted by Dave Singer
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway
and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure
not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter
in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is
considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please
don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order
to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been
told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood
that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect
to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are
a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front
hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes
by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup,
a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places
are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are
beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may
appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But
on issues relating to my daughter, I am like the all-knowing, merciless
god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going
and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very
afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Church
Bulletines:
Submitted by Dave Singer
The following announcements actually
appeared in various church bulletins:
1a Our Next Song
Is "Angels We Have Heard Get High.
2a Weight Watchers
Will Meet At 7 P.M. At The First Presbyterian Church. Please
Use Large Double Door At The Side Entrance.
3a The Lutheran
Men's Group Will Meet At 6 P.M. Steak, Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans,
Bread And Dessert Will Be Served For A Nominal Feel.
4a 8 New Choir
Robes Are Currently Needed, Due To The Addition Of Several New Members
And To The Deterioration Of Some Older Ones.
5a The Senior
Choir Invites Any Memeber Of The Congregation Who Enjoys
Sinning To Join The Choir.
6a The Preacher
Will Preach His Farewell Message, After Which The Choir Will
Sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
7a The Eighth
Graders Will Be Presenting Shakespeare's "HAMLET" In The Church Basement
On Friday At 7 P.M. The Congregation Is Invited To Attend This Tradgedy.
8a Please Join
Us As We Show Our Support For Amy And Alan In Preparing
For The Girth Of Their First Child.
9a Scouts Are
Saving Aluminum Cans, Bottles And Other Items To Be Recycled.
Proceeds Will Be Used To Cripple Children.
10a The Associate
Minister Unveiled The Church's New Giving Campaign Slogan Last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge --- UP YOURS"
*******************************
(More!!!)
1. Don't let worry kill you - let
the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many
who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this
morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev.
and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be
a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized
at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will
be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies liturgy
will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied
by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will
be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be
"Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we
will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with
"Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest
of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection
will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to
do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have
cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement
Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held
on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
*******************************
(More!!!)
1b. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
2b. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
3b. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth Into Joy."
4b. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
5b Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
6b Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa.
7b Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
8b Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
9b Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your
own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
10b During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
11b The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.
12b This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
13b "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Don't
Make A Nurse Angry!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A big shot business man had to spend
a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted
to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes,
he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started
another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the
thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room
open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking
past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into
the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the
doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's
the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses,
"Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Microsoft's
New Keyboard:
Microsoft Corporation has just announced
a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh
variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard
keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make
your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set,
so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
-
1) GPF key -- This key will instantly
generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives
state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by
eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General
Protection Fault.
-
2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed,
money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft
without the need for further action or third party intervention.
-
3) ZD key -- This key was developed
specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts
random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft
or Windows within the file being edited.
-
4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft
commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
-
5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with
the display ... self explanatory.
-
6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing
loops for months at a time.
-
7) IBM key -- Searches your hard
disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft
and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).
-
8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke
you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes
first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN
files from Win 95!
-
9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install
Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users,
why not make it easier?
-
10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new
compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand
for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Hack
Golfer:
A hack golfer spends a day at a
plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary
caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly
all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of
the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all
day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and
says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
(TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
