Who
gets to keep the Dog:
A clergyman was walking down the
street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between
10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned
lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you
doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog
is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us
can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the
biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken
aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't
you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your
age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about
a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning
to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh
and said, "All right, give him the dog." (TOP)
(Back
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Pick
Three Hymns:
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation
that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully
consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that
whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed,
the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill
in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with
his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who
placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady
all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told
her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked
her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked
over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building
and said, "I'll take him and him and him." (TOP)
(Back
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You
Might be from Denver:
Submitted by Dave Singer FOR ALL YOU DENVERITES! If you have one to add here - PLEASE! send to the
webmaster at reply1@fountaingateway.com
Since this is where I live ALSO!
You might
be from Denver if....
1) You merge onto the
highway at 15 miles an hour.
2) You have absolutely
no recognizable accent.
3) If the humidity
gets above 25%, you consider it "Muggy".
4) You only go to Lodo
when friends are in from out of town.
5) You have been skiing
less than 3 times in your life.
6) You actually think
5-points is a ghetto.
7) You are the third
car to run a red light after it has changed.
8) You say things like
"I don't care how big Parker is, it's still a one-horse town".
9) You think only stupid
people get lost in this town. When giving directions, you never say
"Turn left, turn right", it's always go West, then South.
10) During a thunderstorm you wonder
"Which I-25 underpass is flooding".
11) You never plan a picnic between
3:30 and 6:00 in Spring or Summer months.
12) If it rains more than 2 days
straight you compare the weather to being in Seattle.
13) You voted for higher taxes
to fund Coors field, but voted down taxes for public transportation.
14) You have a broken windshield.
15) You see no reason to travel
to Aurora.
16) The only RTD bus you've been
on is the 16th Street shuttle.
Terms:
Big mac- A sports venue, not
a hamburger.
LoDo- A tourist trap with
expensive condos, not an extinct bird.
"Little California" = Highlands
Ranch
"The Springs"- Colorado Springs,
where the religious freaks live.
"Independent Republic of Boulder"
= Where the rest of the freaks live.
"The Donkeys"- The Broncos
when they are losing.
"Californicators" = Californians
"Jolly Green Giants Golf Balls
= Buckley A.N.G.
"Tourists" = people driving on
the 16th street mall.
"Darn Rockies" = What one says
looking for a parking spot Downtown.
(TOP) (Back
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A Little
Exam:
Two little girl's had sat down for
an exam.
Believe it or not the 2nd little
girl was even more "stupid" than the 1st.
While taking the exam the 1st little
girl asks, "pst. hey what is the answer to the 3rd question?..Old McDonald
has a ....."
The 2nd little girl responds, "gee,
you really are a stupid, the answer is farm!" Replies the 1st, "oh,
how silly of me...by the way how do you spell farm?"
The 2nd girl with a grunt of frustration
replies, "E-I-E-I-O." (TOP)
(Back
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Word Play
Submitted by Dave Singer
1. Two Eskimos sitting in
a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire, the boat sank.... proving
once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up
in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The
other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The
second one, naturally, became the lesser of two weevils.
3. This guy goes into a restaurant
for breakfast. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the
Eggs Benedict". His order comes awhile later and it's served on a big,
shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings,
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
4. Did you hear about the
Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
5. A group of chess enthusiasts
checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
6. A doctor made it his regular
habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting
at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon as the end of the work day approached,
the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it
on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip
of the drink and said "What's this?" The bartender exclaimed: "It's
a hickory daiquiri, doc."
7. A hungry lion was roaming
through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two
men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing
away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the
book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest
and writers cramp.
8. A woman has twins, and
gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is
named "Amahl". The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture
of Amahl. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amahl!"
9. A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee;
then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me
crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple.
You're two tents." (TOP)
(Back
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Religious
Differences:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A kindergarten teacher gave her
class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their
religion.
The first boy got in front of the
class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star
of David."
The second boy got in front of the
class and said, "My name is Joe. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the
class and said, " My name is Tommy. I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Political
Blunders on the 1999 Campaign Trail:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Al Gore gave a big speech this week
about how his faith is so "important" to him. In this attempt to
convince the American people that we should consider him for president,
he announced that his favorite Bible verse is John 16:3.
Of course the speech writer meant
John 3:16, but nobody in the Gore camp was familiar enough with Scripture
to catch the error.
Do you know what John 16:3 says?
"And they will do this because they have not known the Father or me."
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
A
matter of perspective 2:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A man is walking down the beach
and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and
out pops a genie! (You expected something else?)
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing
me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed
of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars
in a Swiss bank account."
Poof! There is a flash of light
and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!
He continues, "Next, I want a brand
new red Ferrari right here."
Poof! There is a flash of light
and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!
He continues, "Finally, I want to
be irresistible to women."
Poof! There is a flash of light
and he turns into a box of chocolates. (TOP)
(Back
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Bird Heaven:
Note:
I usually do not put items from Chicken Soup in the humor area but this
one was cute and has an element of laughter within - webmaster.
While I was standing at the kitchen
window, five-year-old Spencer, my oldest son, ran into the house screaming,
"We need a doctor out here! We need a doctor! Hurry, Mom!!"
"What’s wrong?" I asked.
Spencer anxiously told me he had
found a dead bird that needed a doctor.
Dutifully, I grabbed a small plastic
bag from the pantry and took Spencer’s hand - after all, that’s the sort
of thing mothers do! While my son led me out the door and toward the bird,
I explained that if the creature was indeed dead, a doctor could not help.
When we arrived at the accident scene, it was obvious that the baby bird
was dead. Spencer and I could see the nest high up in the tree. My son
and I discussed the probable age of the baby bird, its inability to fly
well, and exactly how the fall had caused its death.
"I bet his mommy and daddy really
miss him," Spencer observed. I reached for my boy’s hand and tried to ease
his sadness by saying I was sure they did, but that they would be okay
because the little bird had gone to Heaven to be with God and PoPo (my
deceased grandfather). I assured Spencer that the bird’s mommy and daddy
knew that their little one would be cared for and loved. I told Spencer
that PoPo loved little birds, and I was sure he was in Heaven holding and
playing with the baby bird right then. I picked up the little creature’s
body, slipped it into my plastic bag and gently placed the bird in the
trash can. Nothing else was said about the matter for the rest of the day.
Spencer went right back to playing as if he had never been interrupted,
and I returned to my work in the kitchen.
At breakfast the next morning, Spencer
sadly explained to his father that he had found a baby bird the day before
that had fallen from its nest.
"It was dead, Daddy!"
Trying to lift Spencer’s spirits
and remind him that the little bird was really okay, I asked our son to
tell Daddy where the baby bird was. Spencer, looking solemn-faced at his
dad, stated, "In the trash can with Mama’s granddaddy, PoPo."
-
By Merilyn Gilliam from Chicken
Soup for the Country Soul Copyright 1998 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor
Hansen and Ron Camacho (TOP)
(Back
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Chocolate
Chip Cookies:
Submitted by Dave Singer
An
elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven?
Was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him
back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Keep away from
those," she said, "they're for the funeral." (TOP)
(Back
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Do
You Disciple?:
After teaching a lesson in my kindergarten
class on Jesus and his disciples, I was feeling quite proud. It was a model
lesson, an A, and included a game, a song and a story.
At the conclusion of the lesson,
I opened the discussion to questions. With pride, I looked out at my students’
wildly waving arms. My lesson was obviously a success. Teaching seemed
so rewarding. I would now let them shower me with this new knowledge that
I had so skillfully imparted to them.
I called on Brittney to respond.
Since her arm was waving more frantically than the rest, surely her observation
would be that much more brilliant. "Brittney, what do you have to say about
Jesus and his disciples?" I asked eagerly.
"Well," she began, with true kindergarten
confidence, "I just wanted you to know that I know a lot about disciples
‘cause at my house we disciple everything. We have a special disciple can
for plastic, a special disciple can for glass, and a special disciple can
for paper. My mom says it’s how we save the earth."
I paused, took a deep breath and
said, "Let’s get ready for lunch."
-
By Christine Pisera Naman from A
5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul Copyright 1998 by Jack Canfield
and Mark Victor Hansen (TOP)
(Back
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Real
Dummies:
Submitted by Jay Berkshire
Will the real dummy please stand
up?
AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying "he lacked intellectual leadership." He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.
***************************************************
With a little help from our friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent
two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself
up!"
****************************************************
What was plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have
a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.
***************************************************
These nitwits are teaching our
children?
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia,
received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy
last week - for Certs!
Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate
that the mints would make him"jump higher."
-and-
A student in Belle, West Virginia,
was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not
to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).
*************************************************
Some days, it just doesn't pay
to gnaw through the leather straps!
Fire investigators on Maui have
determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month
- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.
"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when
someone broke in and stole my new security system."
*********************************************************
The getaway!
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas
Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the
take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
********************************************************
Too well educated?
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old
jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three
people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had
chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
****************************************************
Did I say that?
Police in Los Angeles had good
luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what
I said!"
***************************************************
Ouch, that smarts!!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach
got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded
in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping
and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion
taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers
in custody.
***************************************************
Are we communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the
phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
***************************************************
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without
a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Trying
To Pass:
A man decided that he was going
to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black
Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no
farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after
3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette
pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in
the car.
The owner of the Corvette found
a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied
the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast,
to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first
30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be outdone, the Corvette
pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road,
the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph,blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds
from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes
headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "...and you're
not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to
pass." (TOP)
(Back
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Area 51:
You've all heard of the Air Force's
ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area
51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air
Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing
at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled
the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took
off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to
run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the
pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally
convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed
up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told
him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his
way.
The next day, to the total disbelief
of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's
surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,
"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to
tell her where I was last night." (TOP)
(Back
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Something
Missing:
A fellow stopped at a rural gas
station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft
drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of
men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or
three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled
in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet
behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow
with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said
the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road
toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the
men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government,
" one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole
and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't
you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister,"
one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally
there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the
tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just
because Joe's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?" (TOP)
(Back
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Family
Fued Answers? Duh:
Actual answers given by contestants
in the game show Family Feud
Name something a blind person might
use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title
- Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck -
Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need
a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister
- Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by
the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the
bath - Water
Name something you wear on the
beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize -
7
Something you do before going to
bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's
green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't
have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic
to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge
over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to
the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom
- Decorate
Name an animal you might see at
the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police
- Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white
- Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie
Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs -
Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with
'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a
door - Your Bowels (TOP)
(Back
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Never
A Word:
The eight-year old boy had never
spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned
to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed,
"Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never
said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied,
"Up until now, everything's been okay." (TOP)
(Back
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Tips
for Rednecks:
Submitted by Dave Singer
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned
regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can
forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant
is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails
is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure
that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from
the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should
never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat
at the table...no matter how good his manners
are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's
hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know
you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that
stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what
time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday,"
If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her
to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken
to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters
on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor
choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than
5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent
a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes"
to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching
vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way
stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using
panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down
the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back "refreshment".
5. Never relieve yourself from
a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling
in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a "refreshment" to
a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your
yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take
a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed,
it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that
you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home. (TOP)
(Back
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On the
Bus!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A lady about seven months pregnant
got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into
a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth
move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had
the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The main replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said
"The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and
sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling"
and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that
said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth
time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have
prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
(TOP) (Back
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Misplaced
Diagnoses:
It's amazing what a misplaced phrase
will do to a statement: The following quotes were taken from actual medical
records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard
Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his
rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
* Patient has chest pain if she
lies on her left side for over a year.
* The patient states there is a
burning pain in his penis which goes to
his feet.
* On the second day the knee was
better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
* She has had no rigors or shaking
chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
* The patient has been depressed
ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
* I will be happy to go into her
GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
* Patient was released to outpatient
department without dressing. I have
suggested that he loosen his pants
before standing, and then, when he
stands with the help of his wife,
they should fall to the floor.
* The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
* Discharge status: Alive but without
permission. The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will
get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old
male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
* The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history
of suicides.
* The patient expired on the floor
uneventfully.
* Patient has left his white blood
cells at another hospital.
* Patient was becoming more demented
with urinary frequency.
* The patient's past medical history
has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain
in the past three days.
* She slipped on the ice and apparently
her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
* The patient experienced sudden
onset of severe shortness of breath
with a picture of acute pulmonary
edema at home while having sex which
gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.
* The patient left the hospital
feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
(TOP) (Back
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Stutttteeerrrerrr:
A really huge muscular guy with
a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s
the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just
looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s
the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer
him.
The guy asks several more times:
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore
him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in
line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn`t you answer that guy's
question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you
th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" (TOP)
(Back
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The Thermos:
A person walks into a store.
Curious about a shiny object, and asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's
a thermos."
The person then asks, "What does
it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold." So they buy one.
The next day, they bring it to work
with them. Their boss asks, "What is that shiny object?"
They reply "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
They says, "It keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have
in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
(TOP) (Back
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More
Redneck Stuff:
Submitted by Dave Singer
You may be a Redneck
if.........
You ever gift-wrapped a tire.
Your tablecloth was delivered by
the paper boy.
You had your anniversary dinner
at the food court in the mall.
You've used food stamps on a date.
Your family reunions resemble the
Jerry Springer Show.
Your bridal registry is at Wal-Mart.
Your biggest tax deduction was
bail money.
Your trash collector isn't sure
about what stays and what goes.
Your kids' grades dropped when
you started helping them with their homework.
The last thing your ex-wife said
to you was, "It's me or them dogs."
You have a framed portrait of a
hog.
The sheriff regularly speaks to
you through a megaphone.
Your wedding cake was made by Sara
Lee.
You remember where you were when
J.R. was shot.
The local tattoo parlor runs specials
on your sister's name.
Your favorite recipe includes Vienna
sausage or Spam. (TOP)
(Back
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TEN
BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
- 10. "They told me at the blood bank
this might happen."
- 9. "This is just a 15 minute
power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent
me to."
- 8. "Whew! Guess I left the
top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
- 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I
was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
- 6. "I was testing my keyboard
for drool resistance."
- 5. "I was doing a highly
specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory
toward people who practice Yoga?"
- 4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt
me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
- 3. "The coffee machine is
broken..."
- 2. "Someone must've put decaf
in the wrong pot..."
- And the #1 best thing to say if
you get caught sleeping at work...
1. ".....in Jesus' name.
Amen." (TOP)
(Back
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Classical
Dumb:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put
all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his
note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told
him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on
a Bank of America deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said, "OK" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called
the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting
in line back at Bank of America. (TOP)
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