Weekday
Afternoon Humor:
1. I can please only one person
per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking to good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially
like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with
you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you,
but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back
on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal
problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need,
and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Needing someone is like
needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances
are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude
problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night I lay in bed
looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where in the
world is the ceiling?!"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress.
I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a
herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Everybody is somebody
else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Cash,
Check or Charge?:
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked,
after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband
refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing
I could do to him." (TOP)
(Back
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Florida
Drivers:
After driving in Florida a couple
of weeks ago I KNOW this is TRUE!!!
I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.
A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation, hardly feel
my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have
my Florida driver's license! (TOP)
(Back
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Old Hog:
A young man went to visit an old
friend of the family. The old farmer had just moved into his new farm house
after the old house had burned. While sitting on the porch the young man
notices an old hog limp by. The hog had a prosthetic hip and an artificial
leg.
"That's the mangiest old hog I have
ever seen. Why do you keep him around?", asks the young man.
The farmer says, "Son, that thar
is the finest hog in the whole world."
"Fine?" exclaims the young man.
"What could possibly be fine about a hog like that?"
"Son", the farmers says, "About
three yar ago one of the youngin's got real sick in the middle of the night.
That old hog broke down the front door and ran ups the stairs squeelin'
his fool head off. Woke me and the missus up and we got the boy to ol'
Doc Simpson and he didn't die!!" "I see", says the young man. "The hog
got hurt breaking down the door."
"No", says the farmer. "The hog
didn't get hurt none".
"I don't understand how the hog
got hurt then", says the young man.
"Well, you see, about a yar ago
that ol' wood stove in the sittin' room plum split open in the middle of
the night and caught the house a fire. That old hog jumped right through
the front plate glass windar, ran upin' them stair, broke down our door
squeelin' his fool head off. Woke me and the missus up and we got the childrin's
out before that ol' house burnt plum to the ground ... and we didn't die!!"
"Now I understand", the young man
says. "The pig got cut on the broken glass."
"No", says the farmer. "The hog
didn't get hurt none". By now the young man has lost his patience. "Are
you going to tell me what happen to that old hog?"
The farmer says in a very firm voice,
"Son, I dun tol you that that thar is the finest hog in the whole world!!
And when a man such as my self is PRIVILEGED enough to own a FINE hog like
that ... well ... you just don't eat him all at once!!"
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Understand
Computer Jargon:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Alpha.: Software undergoes alpha
testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is
Latin for "doesn't work"
Beta.: Software undergoes beta testing
shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer.: Instrument of torture.
The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British
scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself
as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator.
The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible
File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after
Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU.: Central propulsion unit. The
CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface
card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil
if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret
on speed if it's a Pentium II.
Default Directory.: Black hole.
Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message.: Terse, baffling
remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File.: A document that has been
saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something
stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the
cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware.: Collective term for any
computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Help.: What we all need. Actually,
it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help
feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series
of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output.: Information is input
from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable
junk.
Interim Release.: A programmer's
feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory.: Of computer components,
the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer.: A joke in poor taste.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray
and the blinking red light.
Programmers.: Computer avengers.
Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their
glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes;
now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge
on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual.: Object that raises
the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table
leg.
Scheduled Release Date.: A carefully
calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting
six months from it.
User-Friendly.: Of or pertaining
to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users.: Collective term for those
who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types:
novice, intermediate and expert. - Novice Users. People who are afraid
that simply pressing a key might break their computer. - Intermediate Users.
People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed
a key that broke it. - Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Are
You Normal?:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Facts about Americans. Did you know
that...
NOTE: We have no idea as to how
they collected this data. That would be a great story by itself AND don't
forget that when you are reading this 90% of people say that they sometimes
lie.
-----------------
AROUND THE HOUSE:
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily.
5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week.
Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear
at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit
in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities
(briefs).
* The average bra size today is
36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra
size. (Is there a correlation????)
----------------
HABITS:
* 58.4% have called into work sick
when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar
bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak
food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's
bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance
to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least
once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
----------------
FOOD:
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47%
drink straight from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular
candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include
french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon
seeds.
----------------
HYGIENE:
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste
in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from
side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color
their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the
house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails
regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their
weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered
from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period
at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a
public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands
after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always
flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS
put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS
find it up. (TOP)
(Back
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Colonel
and the Pope:
Submitted by Dave Singer
After watching sales falling off
for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls
up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says. "I need you to
change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give
us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million
dollars to the Vatican.
"The Pope replies, "I am sorry That
is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs
up.
After another month of dismal sales,
the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen, Your Excellency. I really
need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words
of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us
this day our daily chicken.'
"And the Pope responds, "It is very
tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that
much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must
decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible
sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency.
If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' I will donate
$100 million to the Vatican.
The Pope replies, "Let me get back
to you. "So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and
he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news
is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.
The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news.
The pope replies, "The bad news
is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." (TOP)
(Back
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Let
Sleeping Dogs Lie:
One afternoon, I was in the backyard
hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But
when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and
fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let
him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway
and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes
to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different
note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he’s
trying to catch up on his sleep."
-
By Susan F. Roman from Chicken Soup
for the Pet Lover’s Soul Copyright 1998 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor
Hansen, Marty Becker and Carol Kline
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
I'm only
6:
A newcomer to Portland (or Seattle)
arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also
rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a
young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining
around here?"
The kid says, "How
should I know? I'm only 6." (TOP)
(Back
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A Phone
Company:
A phone company puts an ad in the
paper that they are recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers
show up-a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde men.
The company cannot decide who to
give the job to, so they give them a test.
The company boss says, "Each crew
will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground.
Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a
fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone
poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at
5:00, the Italian crew returns. "YAY!!" they shout. "We came back
first, we get the job!!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However,
we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason
they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass,
three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. All the
group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh
labor.
"What happened to you? What
took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so
long?' Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way!
The other crew were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say
the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!" (TOP)
(Back
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What
is your IQ?:
Albert Einstein arrives at a party
and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your
IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert.
"We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the
Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to
a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current
affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and
asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them
Cowboys?" (TOP)
(Back
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Childbirth:
A man and his wife were making their
first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything
checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach
with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what
the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass
to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you
can read this, come back and see me." (TOP)
(Back
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59
Actul Newspaper Headlines: (collected by journalists)
01. Somethin Went Wrong in Jet Crash,
Expert Says
02. Police Begin Campaign to Run
Down Jaywalkers
03. Safety Experts Say School Bus
Passengers Should Be Belted
04. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin
Case
05. Survivior of Siamese Twins
Joins Parents
06. Farmer Bill Dies in House
07. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
08. Is There a Ring of Debris around
Uranus?
09. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian
Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of
Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland
Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagen Wins on Budget, But
More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Women's Leg Helps
Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer
with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground,
Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after
Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting
Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ship Collide, One
Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited ater 18
Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to die for
Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection
from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last a While
32. Cold Waves Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17.000
36. Typhoon Rips Trough Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces
Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks
for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutrious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into
Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts
Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs
in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop
Off Tree
46. Local High School Dropouts
Cut in half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to
Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into
Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced
by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked
by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot
Doctors
56. Some Pieses of Rock Hudson
Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Dejayed, Teachers
Request Training
58. Include your Children When
Baking Cookies
59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat
Calves
60. Clinton Wins on Budget, But
More Lies Ahead (TOP)
(Back
to Humor Index)
Wanted
For Attempted Murder: (The actual AP headline)
Linda
Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there
went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her
car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both
hands behind the back of her head.
One
customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
she looked very strange.
He
asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot
in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour.
The
man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands
from her head. When they finally got in, they found that
Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her
head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded
from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot,
and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she
reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it
was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried
to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid.
And, yes,
Linda is a blonde. (TOP)
(Back
to Humor Index)
Classified
Ads+: (Actual Advertisements) and some More Headliners
Submitted by Dave Singer
1) Snow Blower for sale.
Only used on Snowy Days.
2) 2 Wire Mesh Butchering
Gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, Pair: $15
3) Tickle Me Elmo,
still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition,
$6800
4) 83 Toyota Hunchback
-- $2000
5) Star Wars Job of
the Hut -- $15
6) Free Yorkshire Terrier.
8 yrs old. Unpleasant little dog.
7) German Shepherd
85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
8) FREE 1 can of pork
& beans with purchase of 3 BR 2 bath home.
9) For Sale:
Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
10) Nordic Track $300 - Hardly
used - call Chubbie
11) Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We
haul American made products"
12) Shakespeare's Pizza - FREE
chopsticks
13) Hummels - Largest selection
ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
14) Georgia Peachers - California
grown - 89 cents lb.
15) FREE: Farm kittens.
Ready to eat.
16) Tired of working for only $9.75
per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
17) Notice to the person or persons
who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage:
Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may
be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
18) Lawyer says client is not that
guilty.
19) Alzheimer's Center prepares
for An Affair to Remember.
20) Ground Beast: 99 cents
lb.
21) Gas cloud clears out Taco Bell.
22) Bar S Sliced Balogna - Regular
or Tasty - Save 30 cents on 2
23) Open Hours: Body Shapers
Toning Salon - Free coffee & donuts
24) Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99
box
25) Fully cooked boneless smoked
man - $2.09 lb.
26) Nice parachute - never opened
- used once - slightly stained
37) Harrisburg Postal Employees
Gun Club American Flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
38) Our sofa seats the whole MOB
- and it's made of 100% Italian leather
39) So French, after one cup you'll
want to go Oui, Oui.
40) Free puppies-part German shepherd,
part dog
41) Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents
or best offer
42) Free Puppies: 1/2 cocker
spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor dog (TOP)
(Back
to Humor Index)
You
Think You've Had a Bad Day?!:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Just as a word of explanation, the
gentleman in the story below is a commercial saturation diver for Globalers
out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling
rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. Anytime you think
you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter ...True
story.
April 1998
Just another note from your bottom
dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can
tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities
of my job. As you know my office is at the bottom of the sea. I wear a
suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of garbage sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver
through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like
a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom
and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my
neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working
in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until
all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I
realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you
once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any
hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My butt
crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch,
I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the comm. His instructions were unclear due
to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing
in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to
the surface for my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing
but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got
on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my rear when
I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a
disengorge my bowells for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
I later found out that this could
easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward
side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office,
think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to
shove a jellyfish up your butt. I hope you have no bad days
at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
An
Archaeologist:
From John through GCN
An archaeologist was digging in
the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old
mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring
him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator
called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause
of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper
in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'. (TOP)
(Back
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Hot Air:
A man was flying in a hot air balloon
and realized he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man down below.
He lowered the balloon further and
shouted, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're
in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," replied
the balloonist.
"I am," said the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well," the balloonist said, "everything
you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use
to me."
The man below said, "You must be
in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but
how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't
know where you are, or where you're going; you're in the same position you
were before we met, but now it's my fault."
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Hot Air #2:
Balloonists (Slightly
different than the one above)
George
and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours
in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where
we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that
guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where
we are?"
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100
feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us
is 100% accurate and totally useless".
(TOP) (Back
to Humor Index)
Pollster:
A pollster was taking opinions outside
the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting
to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and an American from New York.
He asked, "Excuse me, I would like
to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but
what is a shortage?"
The Russian said, "Excuse me, but
what is meat?"
The North Korean replied, "Excuse
me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "What is
'excuse me?'" (TOP)
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What
would make your day?:
-
* Your metabolism changes so that
you can lose weight eating chocolate
-
* You realize that your kid's report
card was really a bad dream
-
* Your computer actually crashes
when the technician is there
-
* You bought Amazon.com 2 years
ago -- and held it
-
* Steven Speilberg calls your boss
looking for you
-
* You haven't put on weight -- your
clothes shrank
-
* Your child calls from college
just to say hi
-
* The IRS loses your name
(TOP) (Back
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Mary Poppins:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Mary Poppins was traveling home,
but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for
the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for
the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?"
inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but
room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something
from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and
perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?"
asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple
of poached eggs, please," Mary mused. After confirming the
order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and
the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy
was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower
cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about
the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary
truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute
these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking
to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!"
replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked
up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
(TOP) (Back
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Ads
In Bills: By Andy Rooney:
Submitted by Dave Singer
Some of these are a bit
risque but we live in a real world and have to look at life in such a perspective.
God both laughs in pleasure and in despair/derision as we do and should.
He gave us humor to laugh at ourselves and the world around us. We need
to laugh at ourselves and at those things around us (including stupidity)
not others destructive life misfortunes or sexual sins but base life. (webmaster
- Mark K. Doty)
Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they
put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough,
they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them.
I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grounds,
banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank
You."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener.
I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed
women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark
their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest.
Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'.
'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun
of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker
on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think
of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
birthday.
Prisons:
Did you know that it cost forty-thousand
dollars a year to house each prisoner? For forty-thousand
bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in
Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think
we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should
have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award
shows they have now? They have awards for commercials.
The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then
I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people
call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always
like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to
call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I
feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone)
I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand
up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls
up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these
corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi,
it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is, 'Share the love." Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing
the love. (TOP)
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Little
Johnny:
Submitted by Dave Singer
A new teacher was trying to make
use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny
stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The math teacher saw that little
Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC,
CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
At Sunday School they were teaching
how God created everything, including human beings. Little
Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent
when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed
him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have
a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Little Johnny's kindergarten class
was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures,
tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of
a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One Friday morning, a teacher came
up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would
read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would
receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's
finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher
you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not
what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote,
another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you
may go."
Irritated that he has missed two
golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just
shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the
outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to
his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." (TOP)
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