- A smile is an inexpensive way to improve
your looks almost instantly.
- A sense of humor is the pole that
adds balance to our steps as we walk the tightrope of life.
- Thinking is the hardest work there
is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.
- Dr. Rob Gilbert - It's all right to
have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.
- Thunder is good, thunder is
impressive, but it is lightning that does the work. - Mark Twain (1835 -
1910)
- Christopher Morley - No man is lonely
while eating spaghetti. It requires so much attention.
- You know your children are growing up
when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where
they're going.
- After God created the world, He made man
and woman. Then to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.
- Mack McGinnis
- You grow up the day you have your
first real laugh-at yourself! Ethel Barrymore (1879 - 1959) Actress
- The human race has one really effective
weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) ****** A bus station is where a bus stops. A
train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation.
- unknown
- "Only the man who finds everything wrong and expects it
to get worse is thought to have a clear brain." -John
Kenneth Galbraith
- "I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was
bringing home $450,000 a week." - Joel Lindley
- "Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything." -Tim Allen
-
-Do stars clean themselves with
meteor showers?
-
-Do you think that when they
asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
-
-Have you ever seen a toad on a
toadstool?
-
-How can there be self-help
"groups"?
-
-How do you get off a non-stop
flight?
-
-How do you write zero in Roman
numerals?
-
-How many weeks are there in a
light year?
-
"My favorite animal is steak."
-Fran Lebowitz
-
-If Barbie's so popular, why do
you have to buy all her friends?
-
-If blind people wear dark
glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
-
-If space is a vacuum, who
changes the bags?
-
-If tin whistles are made out of
tin, what do they make foghorns out of?
-
-If you shouldn't drink and
drive, why do bars have parking lots?
-
-If you jog backwards, will you
gain weight?
-
-Why do the signs that say "Slow
Children" have a picture of a running child?
-
-Why do they call it "chili" if
it's hot?
-
-Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
- "Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people
have!" " - unknown
- "Man who pick nose - head cave in." - unknown
- "The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it
and run." - John Barrymore
-
DID YOU KNOW? - Eighty percent of all body heat escapes through the head.
-
DID
YOU KNOW? - Queen Elizabeth II was Time Magazine's "Man of The Year" in
1952.
-
It's easy to
identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the
express lane at the supermarket.
-
Happiness
is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. --
George Burns
-
"I was 15 years
old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks." -- Rep. Jay
McCallum, D-Farmerville
-
The word
"aerobics" came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If
we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it "Jumping Up and Down."
-- Rita Rudner
- I always wondered why babies spend so much time
sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
- I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too
many of them get elected.
-
HOMEWORK EXCUSE
~ School boy to teacher: "I did my homework, but the dog pressed
control-alt-delete!"
-
"It's not
true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer." -
Chris Huang
- A cubic mile of fog is made up of less than a gallon
of water.
- Why do vampires need mouthwash? ~ They have bat
breath.
- What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? ~
Shrinkenstein.
- What did one ghost say to the other ghost? ~ "Do you
believe in people?"
- What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's
corn flakes? ~ A cereal killer!
- Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? ~ They're
so wrapped up in themselves.
- "Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, are
thunder and lightning." - Anna Le
- Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue
whale.
-
Why are dentists usually depressed? -> Because they're always looking down
in the mouth!
-
Do you know the difference between a lemon and an elephant? -> You don't?
Then remind me never to send you out for a dozen lemons!
-
What do you call artificial spaghetti? -> Impasta
-
Ketchup originated in China as a pickled fish sauce called ke-tsiap.
