Go Ahead And Sue 12/18/02
San Francisco police shot and killed a man during a bank
robbery. The suspect's wife was two months pregnant. Does the fetus have a right
to sue? "Yes," says a federal appeals court, but not until it's born. The
landmark decision could open the delivery room door to new realms of litigation.
The court held unanimously that the now eight-year-old boy can sue police on a
claim that excessive force deprived him of a parent. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
STUPID CRIMINALS!
While
deciding to rob a pizza place two men went in, and was staking it out. Feeling
uncomfortable, they didn't want to look suspicious, so they filled out job
applications, then robbed the place...
Upon
looking at the applications that they filled out, police said all the
information needed for the arrest was written down! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Magnification
An 88-year old Dutchman was
seriously injured when bright sunlight shining through his magnifying glass set
fire to his clothes or papers, newspapers reported Wednesday. The man was
sitting reading at his Amsterdam home on Tuesday when the magnifying glass he
was using intensified the sun so strongly his clothes or papers caught fire. He
was taken to a burns center where he was in critical condition, the reports
said. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Mistaken Wording
An anti-terrorism squad
raided the home of a Danish family after mistaking a light-hearted message on
their answering machine for a hostage alert. "We have been taken hostage by two
children. Hurry. Help us after the beep. Now!" the Danish daily Politiken quoted
the message as saying on Monday. But police in the Copenhagen suburb of Gladsaxe
and worried friends, who alerted the authorities on Saturday, thought the
message said: "We have been taken hostage WITH two children." Two police cars
were dispatched and surprised neighbors watched as policemen cordoned off the
area. Police had entered the house but the officer in charge told Politiken it
had turned out to be a false alarm. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Give me a brake!
Ankeny, IA - James M.
Downey, 33, Chicago, was charged Oct. 21 with operating a vehicle while
intoxicated, possession of methamphetamine, marijuana and LSD and intent to
deliver LSD. Police responded to a report of a car on the shoulder of Interstate
35. Officers found Downey asleep with the car in gear and the engine running.
His foot was on the brake. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Two Dumbbells
The alarm sounded at
the Buffum-Downtown YMCA in Long Beach, California, and the police arrived
within five minutes. They soon discovered two men trying to steal six
forty-five-pound barbells that were loaded into a rickety shopping cart. Two bad
the two thieves were two ninety-five-pound weaklings, because the shopping cart
kept tipping over on them as they tried to escape. "They weren't even very big
guys," said Tim Hardy, physical education director at the gym. When the police
cornered them, the two thieves struggled to lift the barbels into a trash bin.
They were quickly arrested and placed on $5000 bond each. There was no
explanation why the two dumbbells wanted the six barbells - they were only worth
about sixty cents a pound. Maybe they knew they would eventually be arrested and
wanted to tone up before going to prison. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
This Gas Tastes Funny!
Larceny is defined as
the taking and removing of another person's personal property. The question is
usually valuable, but in this case of one Seattle, Washington, man the stolen
property was just plain crap. Police arrived on the scene at a recreational
vehicle park to discover a very sick man vomiting and complaining of stomach
cramps. The man admitted he had inadvertently put the siphon tub into the wrong
tank. Instead of gasoline the man had sucked out the contents of the sewage
holding tank. The owner declined to press charges, as he was too busy laughing. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Busted Boosting Cop-Occupied
Van...
CHICAGO, Oct. 1, 2002
- It was hard to say if the cops or the robbers were more shocked when two men
tried to burglarize a minivan that was occupied by a police officer on an
undercover surveillance.
The incident happened
in a commuter parking lot. Transit police were watching the lot after commuters
reported having stereos, cash, cell phones and CDs stolen from their cars.
The officer watched
as the men got out of their car, looked in the windows of parked cars and pulled
on door handles.
When the pair opened
the van's sliding side door, Officer Jessie Watts Jr. jumped out with his gun
drawn and told them to get down. Police said they later found stolen stereo
equipment and burglary tools in the men's car. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Lock Up Mistake
It's Usually a Good
Idea to Lock Up Your Valuables Sometimes, however, putting them under a mattress
is better.
A 16-year-old girl
(who carried a box into a safe-deposit shop in Chico, Calif., in November, but
not the three people who were with her at the time, in that they never handled
the box) was charged with possession of drugs and paraphernalia. The girl
thought to lock up her valuable methamphetamines and equipment, but apparently
was not convincing when she answered the shop owner's question whether there was
anything illegal inside. She answered no, but also told him sternly not to look,
whereupon, naturally, he looked. The girl's face was caught by the store's
surveillance camera, and police arrested her shortly afterward. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Jump Start
St. Peters, Missouri
- A gunman robbed a 711 store, but returned the money minutes later because his
car wouldn't start. Amazingly, the store clerks came out to the parking lot and
gave the robber's car a jump start.
Police Officer David
Kuppler commented: "We have a very friendly town out here." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Arson
Mount Shasta,
California - Joy Glassman, the 60-year-old mother of a firefighter, was charged
with five counts of arson. She allegedly set the fires to help her son's career. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
The Bong Show
A woman in
Southborough, Massachusetts, accidentally dialed 911 instead of directory
assistance, 411, then quickly hung up when she heard the emergency dispatcher.
She didn't think anything about her misdialing until a few minutes later, when
two police officers knocked at her door. The woman tried to dismiss the officers
and they became suspicious because she was acting so-well suspicious. The
officer and his partner convinced the woman to let them look around and make
sure everything was all right. She looked at her husband, he nodded, and they
let the officers in. The officers walked through the house and didn't notice
anything unusual, until they saw the woman trying to hide a cigar box and a
bong. According to the officers, the cigar box contained only a small amount of
marijuana-but after a few questions by the police, the woman and her husband
showed the officers where the rest of the stash was hidden. They were arrested.
And people still wonder why they call it dope. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Read
You are in the middle
of a home robbery. You've just discovered a diamond ring but you're wondering
where the other "good" stuff is hidden. What do you do? Well, one burglar who
found himself in such a predicament picked up the phone and dialed a psychic; he
stayed on the line long enough to total $250 in charges. How was our
non-clairvoyant criminal apprehended? While chatting away with the psychic, he
used his real name. When the phone bill came in later that month, the homeowners
saw the outrageous 900-number call and called the police, who traced it back to
the psychic. Even though the crook was dumb enough to use his real name, a truly
gifted psychic, in my own opinion, should have known he was anyway. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
That's a Little More
Information than Needed
A man in Las Vegas
was reading in the local paper about a suspect who was wanted on charges of
several sexual assaults in the area-and to his surprise, he noticed a striking
resemblance between himself and the wanted man. It wasn't him, of course, but he
wanted the authorities to know that he wasn't the one they were looking for.
When he dropped by the station, police assured the paranoid man that he wasn't a
suspect in the case and thanked him for doing his civic duty. On a hunch, the
police then ran the man's name through the computer and soon arrested him on an
outstanding warrant from California for drug and assault charges. Hey, the guy
must have thought of himself, "I may be a violent drug addict, but I'm not a
rapist." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Well, He Was Under Oath
A man convicted of robbery asked the
Texas Court of Appeals to overrule his guilty verdict on the basis of a
self-incriminating answer given at his trial. During the break in the trial,
there was concern that the suspect had fraternized with some witnesses who were
to take the stand against him. The judge asked the suspect to tell him exactly
which witnesses he had contacted, and the man answered, "The ones that I
robbed." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Criminal on Display
Tellers at a branch
of the Bank of New Hampshire in Littleton were suspicious of a man they saw
loitering in the bank's foyer. He had been there awhile but had made no attempt
to enter the bank. What piqued the teller's attention was the fact that the man
was wearing a ski mask. Officers arrived on the scene and questioned the man,
who claimed he was wearing the mask because it was cold. It was cold outside, so
that could explain the mask; but what the man couldn't explain was why he was
carrying a BB pistol in his pocket and a note reading, "Give me all your money
or I'll shoot you." (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Who Let The Dogs Out?
Two men in Newark,
New Jersey, were arrested after they stole a shipping container with the words
BEEFEATERS across the front. These two must have thought they'd lucked out-a
huge crate filled with bottles of premium gin that they could quickly and easily
sell on the black market. The only problem with their plan was the s. What do I
mean? Well, the name of the gin is Beefafter-without an s. So what did the
thieves wind up stealing instead? Seven hundred and ninety-nine cases of toy dog
bones. The owner of the dog-bone company, Steven Mendal, stated that this was
the second robbery within two months by illiterate criminals. If anyone out
there knows the street value of toy dog bones, I'm sure these fellows would like
to know. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Driven to Distraction
Police in Lexington,
North Carolina, arrived at the scene of a single-car accident and immediately
arrested the three occupants. The men were charged with robbing a pedestrian and
a gas station attendant just minutes before their accident. The accident was
caused by the driver's attempt to make a speedy getaway while at the same time
counting the stolen money. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
No Humor Over Smiley Face
A man who erased his
drunk-driving record from a police computer and replaced it with a winking
"smiley face" graphic ended up with a suspended license and a fine when police
failed to see the funny side. The 19-year-old computer whiz had been arrested
for drunk driving and summoned to appear in court in Besancon, in eastern
France, the French daily Liberation reported Tuesday. Finding an unmanned
computer as he arrived at the police station for his hearing, the man decided to
test the good humor of the court by sneaking into the database. He deleted his
file from the computer's hard drive and inserted ";)" -- the text message
shorthand for a winking smiley face -- in its place. But rather than smiling at
the prank, the judge handed the man a three-month suspended prison sentence, a
$425 fine and suspended his driving license for three months. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Exploding Pans
About 8,700 frying
pans sold through America's Home Shopping Network are being recalled because
they can "explode" while in use, according to U.S. safety regulators. Two
consumers have been burned from hot oil and there have also been eight reports
of property damage involving the frying pans, the Davenport, Iowa-based Innova
reported to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. "The pans can explode
or separate when preheated, used on high heat or used for frying," the safety
commission said in a statement on Tuesday. The commission said consumers do not
need to return the recalled Ultrex Thermal/Double Wall pans as customers who
bought the products will receive a free replacement in the mail. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Burglar leaves trail of paint...
A 700-foot trail of
ivory-colored paint led police to the home of a man suspected of stealing a
commercial paint sprayer from a trailer in the parking lot of nearby motel.
The suspect was not
home when officers arrived Wednesday, but they recovered the $5,000 sprayer from
his yard. They then obtained an arrest warrant on charges of burglary of a
conveyance and grand theft.
The suspect, William
Anthony Harris, 44, remained at-large Friday.
The sprayer was
returned to its owner, Phil Knicely, a contract painter from St. Augustine.
Officers "walked
right to the man's house and got my equipment," Knicely said. "I was back at
work before noon. All I lost was a little bit of time."
He and his crew were
painting a BellSouth building in neighboring Cedar Grove. When police arrived at
the motel, Knicely pointed out a paint spot on the parking lot.
The sprayer sometimes
drips for days after being turned off. Paint had leaked onto the sprayer's
wheels and left tracks on the blacktop, Knicely said. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Camera shop robber leaves
photographic clue
Maryland police say a
man had his photograph taken before robbing a camera shop but forgot to take the
negative with him.
Officers in Silver
Spring say the suspect had a passport photograph taken at the shop.
They say he pulled
out a gun and demanded money when the shop assistant opened the till.
He escaped with cash
and his photo, but left the negative behind.
Police have made new
prints of the photograph and are distributing them in a bid to track down the
suspect. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Zero Percent Interest
The customers and staff of a bank in Ishioka, Japan, were
unimpressed when a seven- teen-year-old boy and his sixteen-year-old girlfriend
brandished a pair of kitchen knives and threatened a holdup. The boy walked up
to a customer and held out the knife, but the man shook his head and walked
away. Our rebuffed robber then turned his attention to the teller and flashed
his knife menacingly. The boy's girlfriend was disgusted at the poor job he was
doing and started telling him so in no uncertain terms. The two cutlery-carrying
criminals then got into a lover's brawl in front of the entire bank. Their
argument grew to such an intensity that they didn't notice that one teller had
triggered the bank's silent alarm. When the police arrived, they found the young
man standing in the middle of the bank, still wielding his knife and begging
someone to please give him some money. His girlfriend was by then telling him to
hurry up. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Priest unharmed when bullet bounces off his shoe
January 22, 2003 (EDDYSTONE, Pa.) — The Rev. Craig Gonzales's
business is saving souls, but this time it was his soles that saved him.
Gonzales was uninjured when a bullet bounced off his shoe
after he performed Mass at St. Jude's church on Sunday, Jan. 19.
"It was a very good pair of shoes," the Roman Catholic priest
jokingly told the Philadelphia Inquirer. "I think I should write JC Penney's and
tell them how good they were."
Joseph Barder, 31, confronted Gonzales after the service,
police said, and drew a .22-caliber pistol. Barder allegedly fired a single
shot, which ricocheted off the priest's shoe, and several parishioners subdued
him.
Barder had reportedly been a member of the church for several
years, and had been behaving strangely in recent weeks.
Barder told the Delaware County Daily Times that he disliked
Gonzales and did not think was providing adequate spiritual guidance.
"I let him know I thought he was an a*******," Barder said.
He was charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault,
recklessly endangering others, and carrying a firearm without a license. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Plunged
Elmont, New York: Adam Oliver wanted to hold up a gas station
but he didn't have a gun or even a knife so he used what was handy. He grabbed a
toilet plunger, stuck it under his coat and demanded money from the attendant.
As you might imagine, even under a jacket a toilet plunger doesn't look much
like a gun. The attendant simply said "No way!" and Oliver turned and ran,
dropping the plunger on the way out. The 18 year old was arrested by the cops a
short time later. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
One
Dumb Crook
A fellow robbed a
supermarket of about $5000. The local newspaper ran the story, but with the
amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the
inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra
$2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him
busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the
call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to
the newspaper! (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
No More Rat Olympics
A small event at a
small Nebraska college has caught the eye of a large national committee.
Organizers of Nebraska Wesleyan University's annual "Rat Olympics" have been
told by the U.S. Olympic Committee to change the name of the 28-year-old event.
University officials received a call this month from a legal adviser with the
committee, telling the college it could be sued if it did not stop using the
name "Rat Olympics." The Rat Olympics are the annual Behavioral Learning
Principles class project to teach rats to perform in various competitive events.
The competition has been featured on local and national media outlets. Wesleyan
spokeswoman Sara Olson said the school was advised "Olympics" is a protected
name under federal law. A few exceptions are allowed, such as the Special
Olympics, but Wesleyan's event doesn't meet the criteria for exemption. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Bad Bagel
A couple is suing the
franchisee of a McDonald's restaurant, claiming an improperly prepared bagel
damaged the husband's teeth and their marriage. John and Cecelia O'Hare sued
Friday for unspecified damages more than $15,000. They alleged the McDonald's,
owned by Johnstone Foods Inc., was negligent and violated an "implied warranty
that the food sold was reasonably fit for human consumption." They contend in
the suit that John O'Hare broke teeth and bridgework on Feb. 1, 2002 when he bit
into the bagel. The suit did not say what exactly was wrong with the bagel. The
suit alleges the wife "lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her
husband." The couple's attorney, Tim Warner, did not return telephone messages
left at his office.
(TOP)
(Back to Humor Index)
Not A Picture Perfect Crime
TACOMA, Wash. — It was not a
picture-perfect crime.
When three young
thieves decided to steal a video camera from the Museum of Glass and
International Center for Contemporary Art, perhaps they should have considered
wearing a disguise, or at least not looking directly into the lens. Instead,
they decided just to go ahead with it.
"They unscrewed it
off the mounting and stole it," said James Mattheis, the Tacoma Police
Department's public information officer. "And of course as they're doing that,
it's got a full-on image of the guy doing it."
The video shows a man
wearing a baseball cap with the word "SECURITY" written on the front, staring
into the camera.
Police released
images from the security tape of the three suspects, two men ages 21 and 20, and
a 17-year-old female. Their names were not released, pending the filing of
criminal charges.
"We had good pictures
of them and we knew someone was going to recognize them," said Mattheis.
The publicity
apparently brought the master criminals to their senses. Police said the three
young thieves walked into the Tacoma Police Station and confessed to the crime
on Jan. 31. They also returned the camera and 12 glass apples they had also
swiped from the museum, police said. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A Simple Honesty
ANCHORAGE, Alaska -
When Cleo Bishop, who shines shoes at Ted Stevens Anchorage International
Airport, glanced from a customer's feet to the nearby cash machine, he saw a
small lockbox on the floor - and he knew at once what it held.
Bishop has worked at
his leased bootblack stand nearly eight years, he said. Many times he's seen
workers service the ATM, 10 feet away, by changing out the money canisters.
So when Bishop saw
the box, he said, "I got to lookin' around. 'I'm not goin' to touch it.' So I
went and got the airport police."
An officer led back
by Bishop carried the box over to employees of the new federal Transportation
Security Administration. The TSA workers ran it through a baggage scanner while
Bishop tended to his customers.
Later he walked over
to the airport officer. "How much money is in there?" he asked.
"Cleo," the officer
replied, "I think there's 15 to 20 thousand dollars."
AlaskaUSA would not
discuss the canister's contents or even confirm that it contained cash. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Identity Theft Thwarted
PORT ORCHARD, Wash. -
A couple of suspected identity thieves are in jail now, thanks to a woman who
staked out her mailbox.
The 34-year-old woman
- who asked not to be named for fear of retaliation - chased the two suspects on
Jan. 29, cell phone in hand, with 911 on the other end.
She got the help of a
deputy sheriff, who caught up with the two suspects after a chase.
Two suspects were
charged this week with first-degree identity theft, forgery and having stolen
property.
The victim sprang to
action after realizing two weeks ago that her mail was being stolen. After
staking out her mailbox for two days, she called 911 after watching the alleged
thieves in action. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Homework! - No More Excuses
ALBERT LEA, Minn. -
The fifth-grade boy had scratches and bite marks and was falling asleep in
class.
School officials
couldn't believe the reason he gave: the baby tiger that slept in his bedroom
was keeping him up at night.
Sure enough, officers
found a malnourished 35-pound tiger cub, whom the boy called Anna, chewing on a
piece of chicken in his family's home.
The boy's father, who
bought the tiger legally for $2,500 from a breeder lost custody of it. It will
be moved to Colorado. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Short NUTS 1
Clusmy Cops!
Undercover police in
Pompano Beach, FL, arranged to sell two pounds of cocaine. The buyers turned out
to be undercover officers from the Fort Lauderdale, FL. police.
- - -
Upset Patient!
In Los Angeles,
48-year-old Giuseppe Logreco drove is car into a dentist's office, pinning a
patient against the receptionist's desk. Logreco told police he was upset
because he had been trying for a month to get an appointment.
---
Appeal
Appealing his
prison-escape conviction before the Iowa Supreme Court, a convict said that he
was just trying to escape the prison's "drug-filled environment."
---
Last Request
A murderer, sitting
in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?
asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
---
Right but Wrong
When Scott Plumley
was told by authorities in Pensacola, Florida that they couldn't shut down the
neighborhood drug dealers because they lacked evidence. Plumley went down the
street, bought a ten-dollar bag of marijuana, and called sheriff's deputies to
collect the evidence. Instead, they arrested him and left him facing a year's
jail. "It is illegal to buy drugs for whatever reason," said a police spokesman. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
OOPS STILL OPEN
The key to burglary
is to pick your target well. This was were a burglar in Longmont, Colorado, went
wrong. All was going well at the store he was attempting to rob. He was busy
prying open the front door with a crowbar.
Then he stopped.
Something seemed a little wrong... He looked up. A large number of people were
inside the store. And they were staring at him. At this moment, the master
burglar realized that the store was still open. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
Wacky Lawsuits
A Utah prisoner filed
a $1 million lawsuit against the state for suspending a program which provided
hair transplants for prisoners. He claimed "emotional suffering."
A New York City
inmate sued for $8.5 million in damages because he smuggled a gun into the
prison and accidentally shot himself.
Richard Loritz filed
a $2000 lawsuit against the South Bay Detention Center in San Diego, California,
for refusing to allow him to use dental floss.
Roy Clendimen, a
prisoner at the Mohawk Correctional Facility near Syracuse, New York, sued for
$1 million because a guard wouldn't put his ice cream in the freezer and it
melted. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
A JOY RIDE
A man was cited for
driving his lawn mower while under the influence of alcohol after he crashed
into a parked vehicle. Ronald Biggs, 38, took his brand new 14 HP Cub Cadet lawn
mower on a joy ride along the highway. With wheel in one hand and a 40 oz beer
bottle in the other, Biggs' ride ended when he crashed into a parked 1997
Mitsubishi Eclipse. (TOP) (Back to Humor Index)
